I could do nothing but pause (not trusting what words would come out of my mouth), and then one of them said, “No, I like Britney! It`s good!”. I was simply dumbstruck,  but happily abided by the Japanese custom of vehemently refusing anythign that resembles a compliment, but, to be honest, the real reason I was left speechless was the fact that Britney is pretty much the only celebrity I am ever compared to. 

Now, I know that the Japanese are famous for comparing foreigners to celebrities arbitrarily. Sometimes I can understand the logic– my friend Brad always gets…wait for it….Brad Pitt, and black men are usually compared to Bobby or Billy, but with women, there is more precision–I am sure of it. My friend always gets compared to Angelina Jolie, while another uniformly gets Cameron Diaz, and  lucky me? Overwhelmingly Britney Spears. I suppose it could be worse, but it is definitely a back-handed compliment. Now, I know that her image in Japan is a bit glossed over, but still, most people are aware that 2008 Britney is just a tad different from the Britney of 2000. At any rate, it doesn`t feel good. However, at the same time, I have to admit: it`s pretty darn amusing.

Now, the truth is, if you want to survive as a foreign women in Japan, you will need to thicken your skin and be prepared for some strange comments. Of course, you will be showered with compliments, as is the practice upon meeting a stranger for the first time, telling you how beautiful or cute you are, but to balance out the excessive flattery, there will assuredly be some comments that you aren`t too keen on.

For example, I am unable to tan (my skin burns, peels, and goes back to white), which is of course a source of low self esteem for me as I can never pull off sleeveless shirts without blinding people, but in Japan, where `beautiful white skin` is king, you will be complimented on your paleness! In addition, the typical Western nose is `high`, and for some lucky individuals, `big`! The Japanese  do mean it nicely, as telling someone their nose is small is essentially an insult, but it`s not what a girl wants to hear. Also, in Japan, round faces aren`t considered beautiful, and many girls are obsessed with having a `small face`–which officially counts as the strangest pick up line I have ever received, as I still don`t know what that means.

In terms of figure, you`ll probably hear the word `glama` which does not mean `glamorous` equals `curvy`, which is just as loaded in Japan as it is in Western countries. Yet, in Japan they don`t think it`s such a terrible offense  to discuss one other`s weight, including if you put some on or could stand to go on the latest diet. I also discovered that for Japanese, any extra fat pretty much qualifies you as fat, so most non-slender foreigners are, at the least, `pochari`, which translates to `chubby` and isn`t that bad of a thing in Japanese society, (some guys think it is very cute), but, of course, this notion gets lost in translation, as its most common rendering is `a little fat`.

My favorite incident regarding weight was when a friend of mine, with whom I was discussing the benefits of not drinking beer so I don`t gain weight, suddenly turned to my date, and said,  in English,“Well since Floral has a pretty face, it`s okay that she`s fat, right?”.  He, who wasn`t paying attention to what we were talking about, got the the funniest deer-in-the-headlights/I- can`t-win-either-way look on his face and merely stuttered a noncommital response, while I was trying to not to hurt my well-meaning friend`s feelings by laughing at her.

Finally, a jarring comment you WILL HEAR, and probably more than once, will be about age.  This is what usually happens: you tell them your age and they invariably gasp with surprise and then say, “Japanese look young”, which of course makes you feel fabulous and spritely inside.  Personally, I can place Japanese age within 2 years like with Westerners, but they just can`t do the same with us, for whatever reason (my personal theory is that Western try to appear mature, whereas Japanese try to seem youthful).

Anyway, one day I was talking with an artist friend, who drew a series of calendars featuring Chinese zodiac animals. He subsequently asked about my Chinese zodiac animal and I told him I was a boar (1983). Then,  he closed his eyes, did the necessary calculations, and finally said, “Ahh, so you are 36.” “Um,” I said awkwardly. “I`m actually, the next cycle, 12 years later” He then stared at me, dumbfounded, and finally exclaimed, “24? WOW! You are so young! I am sorry, but, you see, Japanese look young”. However, he did give me the boar calendar, so I couldn`t bring myself to bear any ill will against him.

Ultimately, all I can say is that the physical comments are just one of those unique aspects of living in a very very foreign country that you will have to learn how to take for granted. The perk is, over here, that sweet compliments will far outweigh the strange ones , and, if you think about, the latter, after all, do make good anecdotes for later.  

To many, this seems to be an insurmontable feat, yet while I am no expert on dating by any means, in my two years in Japan, I have had various dating experiences, and I would say approximately 60% were with foreign men. Thus, one could assume that I am not completely clueless on how to date foreign men in Japan. Also, some of my friends have foreign boyfriends/girlfriends or, at the least, have gone out on dates with foreigners, so I have observed a good deal of expat dating in Japan.

To clarify, by foreign men, I am referring to those who come from countries where English is the primary or dominant language which qualifies as being in “the West” in terms of heritage.. For example, Canadians count, but Brazilians do not (actually, at least 3 of my girlfriends swear by South American men…there`s another idea for you). Ghanans speak English, but their culture is north African, so I`m not talking about them. Those enviable Swiss polyglots do count, but the mostly monolingual Greeks do not.

Also, when I refer to date I mean get a relationship established. As I stated before, keeping a relationship together is a totally different matter and one which I am not particularly good at (which is why words like “indulgent” and “understanding” tend to crop up when I describe my ideal guy).

First of all, there are two factors we need to discuss before I bestow the little I know:

US

Yes, ladies, that means you, and here is the all-important question: why do you want to date foreign men in the first place? We live in Japan, a country which is 98% Japanese %1 Korean and 1% other (that would be us), and the chances of finding a single, attractive, interesting Japanese man is, statistically, a lot higher than finding a compatible foreign partner. Most Japanese men are at least open to the idea of dating foreigners, although few actively consider it (see above statistics), and while the relationship norms are definitely different, I think trying your hand at a cross-cultural romance could provide a valuable experience . If you are doubtful that Japanese men could be good husbands or lovers, I direct you to the movie Hiroshima Mon Amour, the writing of Marguerite Duras, or any friend of yours with a Japanese boyfriend.

So, if the reason that you want a foreign boyfriend is that you are “not attracted to Asian men” then I strongly suggest you at least attempt to reconcile that thinking with empirical evidence. You are already living abroad and you probably have eaten natto once and gone to an onsen–why not channel that adventurous spirit into dating?

On the other hand, if there are elements of Japanese culture and Japanese dating that is just not appealing to you, then you probably are correct to seek for relationships with the foreign element.  For example, the reason that I prefer foreign men is that I am very dependent in relationships–I need a lot of reassurance and I like to see my boyfriend as often as possible. This obviously does not jive with Japanese dating styles–they often see each other less than once a week and don`t usually “make time” for each other–so the average Japanese is simply “too busy” for me. Remember though, just because a man is foreign does not necessarily mean the qualities you crave are present. 

Ultimately, it`s good to first think about why you crave that foreign man in the first place. That will help you understand what you want from them a lot better.

THEM

Before we get any further let me stress this point: most foreign men in Japan DO NOT have Asian fetishes, they DO NOT want a “geisha” who serves them at all times, and most foreign men are at least open to the idea of dating foreign women.

So why do they all have Japanese girlfriends? Well, one reason is the above statistics–they too are logically going to have a better chance finding a good match who is Japanese. In addition, Japanese women comprise the majority of English language students, so more Japanese women speak English than Japanese men do. Thirdly, most Japanese women are not on the “promotion track” at work , thus are not subject to grueling 12 hour work days, constant drinking with coworkers, and consequently have more free time in which to meet people and be available for dating.

In all honesty, we should not condemn them for dating the women of the country they are living in. I think no one would blink twice if a Canadian girl went to Sweden and found a Swedish boyfriend, a New Zealander found true love in France, or if an American studied abroad in Argentina and found herself an Argentine lover. Japanese women are renowned internationally for being both attractive and good to date, and thus there is little stigma in going after them.

I also agree that it is true, Japanese women have a lot to offer foreign men. For one thing, they are usually well-groomed. A Japanese guy is used to 100% effort in a girl`s appearence, but for foreign guys, it is a pleasant surprise and more than a little flattering. In addition, Japanese girls give their boyfriends a lot of attention and will usually do a lot for for them without asking for anything in return.  I`m not saying the men are seeking subservience, but they do enjoy the perks, and why not? As my friend says to me, “I go home, and she wordlessly takes my work clothes and dumps them into the laundry. I thank her for it every day because she knows she doesn`t HAVE to do that for me.” Basically, Random Acts of Kindness? Are pretty much Constant Acts of Kindness when you date a Japanese girl.

Finally, and this point is the most important, a big reason a lot of Western guy prefer Japanese women is that they don`t play mind games. “I find Western women attractive, of course”, a friend said to me. “But it`s just too much effort trying to date them.” “Sometimes, at home in New Zealand,” another friend remarked. “I see this hot girl in a bar and she smiles at me but I ignore her because I know how much work I`ll have to put into that and it may not even pay off. In Japan, it`s just a lot easier”. You see, Japanese women are simply NICE to their boyfriends–the idea of playing hard to get is anathema to them. They will email you as promised, they won`t grill you about your going ons, and they won`t expect you to constantly anticipate their moods. These are desirable traits to most guys.

However! It`s not as if these Western men aren`t willing to date a Western chick, it`s just that they haven`t met one who captures their attention in contrast to Japanese girls. After all, we are different from Japanese girls and those differences can be equally desirable. A lot of guys who date Western girls enjoy that we openly display our knowledge of things, contribute equally to discussions, can give strong advice when needed, don`t view work as life, understand that guys have neutral girl friends and thus don`t get jealous of them, and, oh yeah, speak their language and understand their predicament of being a foreigner on this crazy island. I really think almost every reasonably attractive pleasant Western girl in Japan can find herself a foreign boyfriend if she wants.

My Advice

1. BE FLEXIBLE I know you are very independent, but it is important to be willing to adapt yourself and your personality if you want to be successful dating here. I am not saying that you should change yourself, but you need to be considerate that being in a different environment than your usual stomping grounds makes for the need to adapt. He may still come from a different country than you–dating in Australia and dating in America are a little different–so you have to be aware of that possibility as well. He may also be older, less rich, less attractive, or less intelligent than you had expected, but don`t just dismiss him off the bat! A lot of the guys here are big romantics (they are expatriates after all) and you should try to look beyond what merely is represented on paper.

2. BE ATTRACTIVE Not only are you competing with the lovely Japanese women around you, but also that leggy Russian, the punky rocker chick from London, and those three 20 year-old American exchange students from California with the effortless tans. Yes, it`s wonderful for men to like you as you are, but those women find themselves pretty darn unique and special too. In a guy`s perspective, looks and personality matter, but looks capture attention, and, to be truthful, looks and personality is best. Now, I`m not saying you have to transform into Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, but try to at least look like you are not on a nature hike.

3. BE LAIDBACK It`s good to adopt an easygoing attitude about how and when dates happens. In America, going for coffee is not a date, but a prequel, but in Japan, it could mean anything. There is no reason to have assumptions about who is on or off limits and what they feel about you. In fact, a lot of my friends start relationships here just hanging out with their guy friends: for example, my Floridian friend and my New Zealand friend realized they were a good match when they took a day trip to a Buddhist retreat. Instead of establishing yourself as a potentional couple from the get go, it might be a good idea to go sightseeing, drinking, or just relax together. He may need to that time to realize what he`s been missing from back home. Guys are attracted to women they can have fun with–so have fun together, regardless of what you do.

4. BE FRIENDLY Personally, I have met most Western guys I have dated at parties. These were guys who I ended up talking to and hit it off with. I was not aloof, or indifferent, but tried to be as nice as possible, thinking at the time that I wanted to stay friends with them. Once again, the easiness of dating Japanese girls is a big lure, so this is not the time for you to skulk around a bar “making eyes” at people. If you see a cool looking guy, just talk to him (or better yet, use a wingwoman). Don`t conceal your feelings as deeply as you would at home–tell him he`s handsome or interesting. He may think getting you is too much work and not bother unless he sees the clear green light that a Japanese would give. Don`t be afraid to email him or do nice things for him; after all, if he ends up taking you for granted than he probably isn`t dateable in the first place.

5. BE RELAXED Nothing is worse than a demanding women, and as guys don`t have to tolerate that here until they are in a serious relationship, they aren`t going to go for it. What you should expect from a guy: respect, honesty, commitment, and kindness. What you should not: presents, free dinners, having him constantly adjust his schedule for you, and him not neglecting you every now and then to go drinking with friends. Don`t quiz him about every girl in his phone. If you give him the benefit of the doubt, your faith in him as a good person (and not just another “Charisma man”) will be attractive to him.

6. FINALLY BE PATIENT AND REALISTIC The numbers alone speak for the difficulty in finding a man, but honestly, how often did you date in your home country? I certainly wasn`t occupied every weekend. And, they always say, the more you dwell on being single the more desperate you seem. But actually, that cool hot guy with a girlfriend might not always have a girlfriend, and especially if the break up was a bad one, he might be very amenable to going back to Western ladies.

Also, here is a list of tips that you can actually put into practical use which draws solely from experience (mine or my friends or things I have read that are probably true): 1. invite a hot friend sightseeing 2. keep up a conversation with an interesting guy at a bar or party rather than retreating to your circle of girlfriends after you find out he makes less money than you  3. make small talk (which we all sorely miss) with a hot stranger 4. get drunk and sleep together (sometimes  the sex wakes up a guy to the possibility that he wants to do it again and again with you) 5. get drunk and not sleep together (drunk boys get horny and he may suddenly be aware that he wants to dating you) 6. do something fun with a mixed group of friends, although preferably not with Japanese, as they are famously group oriented and usually not going to understand two people partnering off or leaving early 7. join an organization for foreigners like the Toastmasters Club, but DON`T learn a language together, as he obviously will have high motivation for absorbing things Japanese 8. talk to your single neighbors, especially if you are in a foreigner`s guest house 9. if you are in a bar or coffeeshop or small restaurant, don`t pretend the other foreigner is invisible but actually be friendly to them 10. keep up that flirtation with that coworker–you never know when someone will find another job or get transferred to a different branch.

Good luck ladies! Of course I will post another entry on dating Japanese men, but I hope this is helpful. Any advice would be more than welcome, as I an no expert.

The problem is, as my hair is as stubbornly Western as the rest of us, I require a special kind of hairdresser.

The Japanese are blessed with incredible hair: it is thick, has natural volume, and it is straight but can hold curl. However, it is very very black and coarse. So, most styles that they pull of effortlessly with minimal hairspray would collapse on my head, yet the chemicals they use to dye would do all kinds of assorted evilness to my locks.

I should add that as a foreign women, I have an additional problem: the desire to be thought beautiful. It is not a difficult feat in this country, where even if they vehemently disagree with that assessment, they will still smile and tell you that you are very very cute to your face. However, the Japanese go gaga for blonde hair. It is a proven fact that if 3 foreign women go out, the one with the blondest hair will get the most attention, regardless if she`s fat or if the dye job is a mess. This is also the same case for men and I seriously know more than a few who have gone blonde to increase their appeal with the locals.  

So, at times, I`ll admit it: I want to make my “golden” hair (a polite term for darker blonde) champagne blonde and bask in the subsequent attention. But, I am not sure it is worth it. I am as vain as the next girl, but I feel like to change my hair merely to grab more attention would be shallow, even for me. Thus, I will not indulge that craving–after all, my sparkling personality is enough to make up for my lack of glimmering flaxen hair. At least, this is what I`ll repeat to myself as a mantra as yet another light blonde friend is lapping up free drinks as I am shelling out 750 yen for a chuhai.

ANYWAY, in terms of a haircut, my biggest piece of advice is  please do not just “walk-in” for a cheap cut at a local salon. If you want a trim, that`s fine, but if you want to actually change something, go to someone who is a specialist with Western hair. I know, I know, you were low maintenance in your home countries and never paid more than $30 a pop, but unless you want hoards of students/coworkers/friends pointing out the unfortunate results of your attempt to save money, you really have to do a little bit of research and be prepared to pay a little more money than usual.

How much money, you ask? In my experience, under 10,000 man ($100) but over 3000 yen ($3o). Honestly–cut out the club cover for one week if you must–this money is well worth the investment. It is more expensive for a dye, but once again, let me stress there would be a very high chance that if you go to a usual salon, your hair will turn orange.

Now, how to get the hair cut? First of all, make a reservation. If you know Japanese, then use it. If you don`t, then that`s fine too, but I should add that if the hairdresser can`t speak English, then they probably didn`t study overseas and you don`t want them touching your hair. However, most hair salons have three options: cut (kutto), color (kara) and perm (pama). Sound familiar? Recently, straight perms are popular too. Next,  as you hopefully know your days of the week, times, , and how to ask how much something costs, that`s pretty much all you need for a stress-free reservation.

What else? I strongly recommend bringing a picture of you with your ideal haircut or a model with a similar haircut. However, if you don`t have one, then here are a few relatively simple phrases which can convey what you want (although let me emphasize again that if he/she doesn`t speak English, you should be a little worried):

—- o kittekudasai
Can please cut my —-?

—- wa so no mama de ii desu.
Can you please leave this as is?

—-o kudasai/ —-de onegaishimasu (like ordering beer!)
I would like —-

In my experience, they take longer than foreign hairdressers (don`t squeeze in a cut before work) and usually massage you during the shampoo, which includes putting a steaming towel over your face and pummeling your back. It is nice, if you aren`t claustrophobic and prone to anxiety attacks.

Finally, here is what I know about good places for haircuts throughout Japan, all who specialize in foreign hair. I hope this saves you some Googling:

Tokyo

Sin Den Tokyo: http://www.sinden.com/j/colour.html
Dude: http://www.dude.jp/
Tachibanal: http://www.hairdress-tachibana.com/p/
Shape Salon: ://www.shape-salon.com/english.
A place in Shibuya called Marcel.
Dada Cubic: http://www.dadacubic.co.jp/

Kobe

Hair Studio Billy: http://hairstudiobilly.web.fc2.com/

Fukuoka

Nakamura Biyoushitu/Nakamura’s Modern Beauty Salon (no site)

Osaka

boy: http://www6.ocn.ne.jp/~boy/i/intro.html
Craive: http://www.craive.biz/

Yes, that`s right, I  did stay out all night on a Thursday. To be honest, it`s not the first time it`s happened. You see, if you live in Japan, you WILL drink with coworkers at some point, and, as the last train usually stops at 12am, it makes all-nighters pretty much inevitable. 

The Japanese drink a little differently than we do: they order heaps of food (whatever you are imagining, double it) and drink at most 3 drinks with their meal. Most foreigners think of this as “dinner” but as most Japanese have low tolerances when it comes to alcohol, this method  allows them to get completely drunk conveniently before the last train stops (those who can drink just do what we Westerners do and move on to another drinking establishment) . Foreigners, as you know, are not so easily satisfied, and usually end up heading somewhere else (this would be the “drinks” part of the evening),  and, consequently, miss that last train. The way I see it, unless you want to dole out $30 for cab fare, it`s best to  shrug one`s shoulders, and make a night of it.

It`s especially convenient for foreign women, as weekday covers at clubs for us are FREE (men have to pay upwards of $20) . Also,  the clubs usually fill up with hostesses after they finish work so are reasonably crowded, but without the creepy men pawing at you and making horribly awkward eye contact like on weekends.  In addition, if you aren`t drinking beer, 4 hours of dancing can actually qualify as exercise–after all, bikini season is right around the corner.  

If this is reminiscent of college, then you are correct. Living abroad is pretty much a vacation where you get paid to live a relatively consequence-free lifestyle. 

Anyway, here is some advice if you find yourself stranded between 12 and 5am in a strange Japanese city on a weeknight. Wikitravel mentions some of this as well:

Dance the night away: As I mentioned before, most nightclubs have no cover for women. In addition, there is no drink minimum so you can comfortably drink iced tea or Red Bull as you wish. If you don`t know where the nightclubs are, pretty much every foreigner bar in most major cities is stocked with some variant of a guidebook for English speakers (Japanzine for Nagoya, Kansai Scene for Osaka…even Hiroshima has something) which will point you to places open afterhours .  Also, the word for cover and charge are the same in Japanese as in English, so I doubt you will get tricked into hidden fees.

If you don`t like dancing, how about singing: All karaoke bars are open until the wee hours of the morning. The fee for an actual karaoke booth is usually not too bad–they make profits from food and extended stays–and tend to be all-you-can drink. And, there is always one book of songs in English. If you don`t feel like singing, the rooms are secluded, cellphones have alarms, and a nap can be comfortably taken–just make sure you stay within the time limit.

Hobnob with the bleary-eyed salarymen: Near every train station is a fast food joint, which caters to the single, overworked businessmen and is open all night. A popular one is Yoshinoya. By fast food, I mean it in the purest sense in that it is prepared rather quickly. It is, of course Japanese food like noodles or rice. However, the food tends to be super cheap, so you can order the cheapest item on the menu and hang out there all night (they would never kick you out for loitering like in our home countries).

Sex it up: Love hotels go in 3 hour (the cheapest number displayed), 5 hour and 10 hour packages, but sometimes there is an all-inclusive night rate. The benefits is they have showers, big beds, all the cosmetics you could ever want, cigarettes, alarm clocks, food, and drinks. The drawbacks are they are not cheap ($30-$50), you probably don`t actually feel like having sex, and they operate on heavy surveillance–chances are a group of 3 drunk foreign chicks and a dude are not going to be allowed in, as these places are really for couples.

Go shopping: In the entertainment districts, there are no shortage of open clothing stores, which seems like they are catering to a Middle America high school prom, but actually are for hostesses. As there is a plethora of them, you can both amuse yourself and possibly pick up something awesomely tacky to wear to the aforementioned night club.  Also, I personally can kill an hour just sifting through some of the stranger goods in your average convenience store (smile lifters?), but that may just be me.

Go drinking: Darts are not just a game to play in the bar–the Japanese have cultivated a strange network of tournaments, practice leagues, and almost cultlike devotion to the hobby. Because of this, there is no shortage of “dart bars” in a given city. The upshot is I have never been to a dart bar that: 1. closes before 3am 2. has a cover and 3. charges more than 500 yen for drinks. The reason for the latter is that they make money, big surprise, through the playing of darts and hosting of darts tournments. “Shot bars” (Western bar style) tend to be open late, as well as some izakayas, but the latter almost always has a table charge. Be very careful of “snacks”–not only do they have a surcharge but they are mini hostess bars as well.

Or, do the smartest thing of all and go to an internet cafe: The internet cafe I am writing to you from is similar to most: it offers a night package (“naito packu” for 980 yen), which includes free internet in a secluded booth, free drinks, not bad food, blankets, slippers, movies, magazines, and SHOWERS, which are usually free or, like here, 280 yen.  You might need to fill out a members card, but they usually will be satisfied with your name and phone number if you look particularly lost.

So, to recapitulate, while there may be no convenient all-night coffeeshops or diners in Japan,  if that last train speeds away without you, you can still not end up totally wrecked by it, financially or physically. After all, do remember that coffee can be bought for 100yen from the vending machine and that it is perfectly acceptable to sleep on trains in Japanese society.

Who are we? We are twenty and thirtysomething women here to have fun in Japan. We aren`t looking for marriage, we have an end date in mind, we are interested but not obsessed in all things Japan, and can speak Japanese at varying levels. We came here to expand ourselves, gain work experience, take a break from the rat race or life itself, and, most importantly, have a memorable experience.

My statistics: 24 years old, American, happy with my relationship status, and employed in a non-unique job for foreigners in Japan. My Japanese is functional, but I have never taken a class. My interests include shopping, clubbing, traveling, eating, going to bars, going to coffeeshops, and doing the Sunday crossword in the Japan Times.

I have seen one anime in my life,  but I do like Japanese authors, as their books tend to be cheaper than most foreign books over here. My personal favorite is the enfant terrible (well, in 1960) Ryo Murakami. I don`t like the other Murakami, but he is readable, and I can find his books for under 1500 yen.

I am not a vegetarian, but was one until college (my mom was terrible at cooking meat so I just assumed all meat was disgusting) so can understand the lifestyle. I adore fish, but draw the line when it has eyes. I can eat most Japanese food, but I don`t so much favor the occasional odd body parts used and the excessive dashi. Kanimiso is my nemesis (if you don`t know what it is, be glad). I do actually like natto, but umeboshi is too sour for me. At home, I cook exclusively Western food, and badly.

I love traveling in Japan, although I am more likely to stay at a cheap business hotel (love the Toyoko Inn) than dish out the money for a Ryokan/onsen. When I travel, I spend my days sightseeing and my nights partying it up.

Can you relate to me? If so I hope you enjoy what I have to write, and if you can`t, as I said in my profile, read and learn.