The elusive: Dating foreign men in Japan

This entry is important to me, and I thought about writing it later after more forethought, as it can be a contentious issue, but I figure as spring and love is in the air (or pollen, in my case), it`s not too early to talk about this. After all, I believe this is an issue which  a lot of foreign women in Japan think about: how to date foreign men in Japan.

To many, this seems to be an insurmontable feat, yet while I am no expert on dating by any means, in my two years in Japan, I have had various dating experiences, and I would say approximately 60% were with foreign men. Thus, one could assume that I am not completely clueless on how to date foreign men in Japan. Also, some of my friends have foreign boyfriends/girlfriends or, at the least, have gone out on dates with foreigners, so I have observed a good deal of expat dating in Japan.

To clarify, by foreign men, I am referring to those who come from countries where English is the primary or dominant language which qualifies as being in “the West” in terms of heritage.. For example, Canadians count, but Brazilians do not (actually, at least 3 of my girlfriends swear by South American men…there`s another idea for you). Ghanans speak English, but their culture is north African, so I`m not talking about them. Those enviable Swiss polyglots do count, but the mostly monolingual Greeks do not.

Also, when I refer to date I mean get a relationship established. As I stated before, keeping a relationship together is a totally different matter and one which I am not particularly good at (which is why words like “indulgent” and “understanding” tend to crop up when I describe my ideal guy).

First of all, there are two factors we need to discuss before I bestow the little I know:

US

Yes, ladies, that means you, and here is the all-important question: why do you want to date foreign men in the first place? We live in Japan, a country which is 98% Japanese %1 Korean and 1% other (that would be us), and the chances of finding a single, attractive, interesting Japanese man is, statistically, a lot higher than finding a compatible foreign partner. Most Japanese men are at least open to the idea of dating foreigners, although few actively consider it (see above statistics), and while the relationship norms are definitely different, I think trying your hand at a cross-cultural romance could provide a valuable experience . If you are doubtful that Japanese men could be good husbands or lovers, I direct you to the movie Hiroshima Mon Amour, the writing of Marguerite Duras, or any friend of yours with a Japanese boyfriend.

So, if the reason that you want a foreign boyfriend is that you are “not attracted to Asian men” then I strongly suggest you at least attempt to reconcile that thinking with empirical evidence. You are already living abroad and you probably have eaten natto once and gone to an onsen–why not channel that adventurous spirit into dating?

On the other hand, if there are elements of Japanese culture and Japanese dating that is just not appealing to you, then you probably are correct to seek for relationships with the foreign element.  For example, the reason that I prefer foreign men is that I am very dependent in relationships–I need a lot of reassurance and I like to see my boyfriend as often as possible. This obviously does not jive with Japanese dating styles–they often see each other less than once a week and don`t usually “make time” for each other–so the average Japanese is simply “too busy” for me. Remember though, just because a man is foreign does not necessarily mean the qualities you crave are present. 

Ultimately, it`s good to first think about why you crave that foreign man in the first place. That will help you understand what you want from them a lot better.

THEM

Before we get any further let me stress this point: most foreign men in Japan DO NOT have Asian fetishes, they DO NOT want a “geisha” who serves them at all times, and most foreign men are at least open to the idea of dating foreign women.

So why do they all have Japanese girlfriends? Well, one reason is the above statistics–they too are logically going to have a better chance finding a good match who is Japanese. In addition, Japanese women comprise the majority of English language students, so more Japanese women speak English than Japanese men do. Thirdly, most Japanese women are not on the “promotion track” at work , thus are not subject to grueling 12 hour work days, constant drinking with coworkers, and consequently have more free time in which to meet people and be available for dating.

In all honesty, we should not condemn them for dating the women of the country they are living in. I think no one would blink twice if a Canadian girl went to Sweden and found a Swedish boyfriend, a New Zealander found true love in France, or if an American studied abroad in Argentina and found herself an Argentine lover. Japanese women are renowned internationally for being both attractive and good to date, and thus there is little stigma in going after them.

I also agree that it is true, Japanese women have a lot to offer foreign men. For one thing, they are usually well-groomed. A Japanese guy is used to 100% effort in a girl`s appearence, but for foreign guys, it is a pleasant surprise and more than a little flattering. In addition, Japanese girls give their boyfriends a lot of attention and will usually do a lot for for them without asking for anything in return.  I`m not saying the men are seeking subservience, but they do enjoy the perks, and why not? As my friend says to me, “I go home, and she wordlessly takes my work clothes and dumps them into the laundry. I thank her for it every day because she knows she doesn`t HAVE to do that for me.” Basically, Random Acts of Kindness? Are pretty much Constant Acts of Kindness when you date a Japanese girl.

Finally, and this point is the most important, a big reason a lot of Western guy prefer Japanese women is that they don`t play mind games. “I find Western women attractive, of course”, a friend said to me. “But it`s just too much effort trying to date them.” “Sometimes, at home in New Zealand,” another friend remarked. “I see this hot girl in a bar and she smiles at me but I ignore her because I know how much work I`ll have to put into that and it may not even pay off. In Japan, it`s just a lot easier”. You see, Japanese women are simply NICE to their boyfriends–the idea of playing hard to get is anathema to them. They will email you as promised, they won`t grill you about your going ons, and they won`t expect you to constantly anticipate their moods. These are desirable traits to most guys.

However! It`s not as if these Western men aren`t willing to date a Western chick, it`s just that they haven`t met one who captures their attention in contrast to Japanese girls. After all, we are different from Japanese girls and those differences can be equally desirable. A lot of guys who date Western girls enjoy that we openly display our knowledge of things, contribute equally to discussions, can give strong advice when needed, don`t view work as life, understand that guys have neutral girl friends and thus don`t get jealous of them, and, oh yeah, speak their language and understand their predicament of being a foreigner on this crazy island. I really think almost every reasonably attractive pleasant Western girl in Japan can find herself a foreign boyfriend if she wants.

My Advice

1. BE FLEXIBLE I know you are very independent, but it is important to be willing to adapt yourself and your personality if you want to be successful dating here. I am not saying that you should change yourself, but you need to be considerate that being in a different environment than your usual stomping grounds makes for the need to adapt. He may still come from a different country than you–dating in Australia and dating in America are a little different–so you have to be aware of that possibility as well. He may also be older, less rich, less attractive, or less intelligent than you had expected, but don`t just dismiss him off the bat! A lot of the guys here are big romantics (they are expatriates after all) and you should try to look beyond what merely is represented on paper.

2. BE ATTRACTIVE Not only are you competing with the lovely Japanese women around you, but also that leggy Russian, the punky rocker chick from London, and those three 20 year-old American exchange students from California with the effortless tans. Yes, it`s wonderful for men to like you as you are, but those women find themselves pretty darn unique and special too. In a guy`s perspective, looks and personality matter, but looks capture attention, and, to be truthful, looks and personality is best. Now, I`m not saying you have to transform into Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, but try to at least look like you are not on a nature hike.

3. BE LAIDBACK It`s good to adopt an easygoing attitude about how and when dates happens. In America, going for coffee is not a date, but a prequel, but in Japan, it could mean anything. There is no reason to have assumptions about who is on or off limits and what they feel about you. In fact, a lot of my friends start relationships here just hanging out with their guy friends: for example, my Floridian friend and my New Zealand friend realized they were a good match when they took a day trip to a Buddhist retreat. Instead of establishing yourself as a potentional couple from the get go, it might be a good idea to go sightseeing, drinking, or just relax together. He may need to that time to realize what he`s been missing from back home. Guys are attracted to women they can have fun with–so have fun together, regardless of what you do.

4. BE FRIENDLY Personally, I have met most Western guys I have dated at parties. These were guys who I ended up talking to and hit it off with. I was not aloof, or indifferent, but tried to be as nice as possible, thinking at the time that I wanted to stay friends with them. Once again, the easiness of dating Japanese girls is a big lure, so this is not the time for you to skulk around a bar “making eyes” at people. If you see a cool looking guy, just talk to him (or better yet, use a wingwoman). Don`t conceal your feelings as deeply as you would at home–tell him he`s handsome or interesting. He may think getting you is too much work and not bother unless he sees the clear green light that a Japanese would give. Don`t be afraid to email him or do nice things for him; after all, if he ends up taking you for granted than he probably isn`t dateable in the first place.

5. BE RELAXED Nothing is worse than a demanding women, and as guys don`t have to tolerate that here until they are in a serious relationship, they aren`t going to go for it. What you should expect from a guy: respect, honesty, commitment, and kindness. What you should not: presents, free dinners, having him constantly adjust his schedule for you, and him not neglecting you every now and then to go drinking with friends. Don`t quiz him about every girl in his phone. If you give him the benefit of the doubt, your faith in him as a good person (and not just another “Charisma man”) will be attractive to him.

6. FINALLY BE PATIENT AND REALISTIC The numbers alone speak for the difficulty in finding a man, but honestly, how often did you date in your home country? I certainly wasn`t occupied every weekend. And, they always say, the more you dwell on being single the more desperate you seem. But actually, that cool hot guy with a girlfriend might not always have a girlfriend, and especially if the break up was a bad one, he might be very amenable to going back to Western ladies.

Also, here is a list of tips that you can actually put into practical use which draws solely from experience (mine or my friends or things I have read that are probably true): 1. invite a hot friend sightseeing 2. keep up a conversation with an interesting guy at a bar or party rather than retreating to your circle of girlfriends after you find out he makes less money than you  3. make small talk (which we all sorely miss) with a hot stranger 4. get drunk and sleep together (sometimes  the sex wakes up a guy to the possibility that he wants to do it again and again with you) 5. get drunk and not sleep together (drunk boys get horny and he may suddenly be aware that he wants to dating you) 6. do something fun with a mixed group of friends, although preferably not with Japanese, as they are famously group oriented and usually not going to understand two people partnering off or leaving early 7. join an organization for foreigners like the Toastmasters Club, but DON`T learn a language together, as he obviously will have high motivation for absorbing things Japanese 8. talk to your single neighbors, especially if you are in a foreigner`s guest house 9. if you are in a bar or coffeeshop or small restaurant, don`t pretend the other foreigner is invisible but actually be friendly to them 10. keep up that flirtation with that coworker–you never know when someone will find another job or get transferred to a different branch.

Good luck ladies! Of course I will post another entry on dating Japanese men, but I hope this is helpful. Any advice would be more than welcome, as I an no expert.

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